This is my lovely mama. Right now, she is in the hospital in the ICU, in Nevada. She has been there for about a week. I am not there. There are a few reasons for that, all logistical and money based. Without going in to all the details, the simplest way to explain it is that I am in a day to day fact gathering mode, and balancing that with my job, and trying to figure out when the best time to go to her is. The guilt of not being there is staggering. For the first few days, I was running on adrenaline, spending most of the day on the phone, taking Jake for extra-long walks to clear my head and bouncing everything off of John, over and over again. Then I sort of collapsed, inside at least. I felt (feel) helpless, guilty, overwhelming sad and yes, in a certain amount of denial.
My mom and I have a special relationship. She was essentially a single mother to me and for a long time it was she and I against the world. The rest of my family is… not close. Some, in all this, have been less than helpful, and some have been downright nasty about the fact that I’m not there yet.
If you ask me my least favorite thing in life, it’s not knowing. That can be “Are we going to a movie, or not??”, or something much, much bigger. (Am I supposed to be a teacher for the rest of my life?). The situation right now with my mom is the ultimate not knowing. It is harder than I could have ever imagined. Enter all the special souls making it bearable. First, of course, is John. He is ready to go to my mom at a moment’s notice, and when I asked him if he was sure he wanted to go, he said, “Of course. She’s my mom too.” He tells me a hundred times a day I’m doing the right thing by waiting, lets me scream when I get off a frustrating phone call, and distracts me with hugs, bad TV, wine and his wonderfully macabre sense of humor.
Another angel has been John’s mom. She is an ICU nurse and has given me wonderful advice and support, and always makes sure to tell John that she loves me and is praying for my mom.
This is John and his mom. Aren’t they sweet?
And speaking of nurses, the ones caring for my mom have been amazing. They are patient with me, giving me all the answers I need and more, and I can tell by their tone and manner they are giving my mom very loving care.
I can’t stand not knowing, but right now I have to stand it. I just wanted to put out to the universe how grateful I am for all these souls, and to say in writing, I know my mom is going to be ok. Having both those thoughts at the same time ( I don’t know, but I know), is what being a grown-up is about, I suppose. Thank you, dear readers, for letting me get all this out of my head and out into the ether.
Ohhh Jess……this makes my heart so sad. I have said a couple prayers for your mama but I didn’t realize the extent of the injury.
You bet she will be in my nightly prayer!
Also, if you want to shoot me a message, you know I am a critical care nurse too, I’ve worked Manu departments including ICU.
I am so sorry my sweet friend! I have had so many Of my close, nuclear family members on the same situation. In fact it’s part of the reason I became a critical care nurse. So please don’t hesitate to call or email me if you want some support! I am thinking of you and praying for your mom. I know how special she is to you. ICU nurses are typically very, very knowledgable and caring. They have to be. I’m sure she is getting exellebt care!
I love you Jess. Please call on me I’d you need me friend!
Wishing you a peaceful evening!
Peace to you…
Jessica! I’m sending out lots of love and good wishes for you and your mom. You are an amazing person and a wonderful daughter–I can tell. I went through something similar with my grandmother (it involved figuring out when to be there for my mom) and I can only imagine how hard this is. You’re doing the right thing–please know that. I’m thinking of you.
Jessica, I am so sorry you are going through this. You will know when the time is right to leave to be with her. Sending lots of love and strength your (and your mom’s) way. xxxxx
Thanks for all the love, ladies. I’m very happy to report she is doing better and I get to go see her this week!! XO
I am so happy to hear that she is doing better!! I completely agree. The ‘not knowing’ part is absolutely the hardest part. I’ve been reminded of this again… And again. On the bright(er) side, these moments definitely have a way of putting everything right into perspective, don’t they? xoxo
Yes, they really do! Perspective is always the thing we need most? yes? :) Thanks for your thoughtful words, Torrie! XX
Just read your post now and am so sorry to hear about your sweet mama. So happy to hear she is doing better. Sending good thoughts to you and your family:)