This is my lovely mama. Right now, she is in the hospital in the ICU, in Nevada. She has been there for about a week. I am not there. There are a few reasons for that, all logistical and money based. Without going in to all the details, the simplest way to explain it is that I am in a day to day fact gathering mode, and balancing that with my job, and trying to figure out when the best time to go to her is. The guilt of not being there is staggering. For the first few days, I was running on adrenaline, spending most of the day on the phone, taking Jake for extra-long walks to clear my head and bouncing everything off of John, over and over again. Then I sort of collapsed, inside at least. I felt (feel) helpless, guilty, overwhelming sad and yes, in a certain amount of denial.
My mom and I have a special relationship. She was essentially a single mother to me and for a long time it was she and I against the world. The rest of my family is… not close. Some, in all this, have been less than helpful, and some have been downright nasty about the fact that I’m not there yet.
If you ask me my least favorite thing in life, it’s not knowing. That can be “Are we going to a movie, or not??”, or something much, much bigger. (Am I supposed to be a teacher for the rest of my life?). The situation right now with my mom is the ultimate not knowing. It is harder than I could have ever imagined. Enter all the special souls making it bearable. First, of course, is John. He is ready to go to my mom at a moment’s notice, and when I asked him if he was sure he wanted to go, he said, “Of course. She’s my mom too.” He tells me a hundred times a day I’m doing the right thing by waiting, lets me scream when I get off a frustrating phone call, and distracts me with hugs, bad TV, wine and his wonderfully macabre sense of humor.
Another angel has been John’s mom. She is an ICU nurse and has given me wonderful advice and support, and always makes sure to tell John that she loves me and is praying for my mom.
This is John and his mom. Aren’t they sweet?
And speaking of nurses, the ones caring for my mom have been amazing. They are patient with me, giving me all the answers I need and more, and I can tell by their tone and manner they are giving my mom very loving care.
I can’t stand not knowing, but right now I have to stand it. I just wanted to put out to the universe how grateful I am for all these souls, and to say in writing, I know my mom is going to be ok. Having both those thoughts at the same time ( I don’t know, but I know), is what being a grown-up is about, I suppose. Thank you, dear readers, for letting me get all this out of my head and out into the ether.