civetta

“We were together. I forget the rest.”

The Unbearable Uncertainty

 

judy

 

This is my lovely mama. Right now, she is in the hospital in the ICU, in Nevada. She has been there for about a week. I am not there. There are a few reasons for that, all logistical and money based. Without going in to all the details, the simplest way to explain it is that I am in  a day to day fact gathering mode, and balancing that with my job, and trying to figure out when the best time to go to her is.  The guilt of not being there is staggering. For the first few days, I was running on adrenaline, spending most of the day on the phone, taking Jake for extra-long walks to clear my head and bouncing everything off of John, over and over again. Then I sort of collapsed, inside at least. I felt (feel) helpless, guilty, overwhelming sad and yes, in a certain amount of denial.

My mom and I have a special relationship. She was essentially a single mother to me and for a long time it was she and I against the world. The rest of my family is… not close. Some, in all this, have been less than helpful, and some have been downright nasty about the fact that I’m not there yet.

If you ask me my least favorite thing in life, it’s not knowing. That can be “Are we going to a movie, or not??”, or something much, much bigger. (Am I supposed to be a teacher for the rest of my life?).  The situation right now with my mom is the ultimate not knowing. It is harder than I could have ever imagined. Enter all the special souls making it bearable. First, of course, is John. He is ready to go to my mom at a moment’s notice, and when I asked him if he was sure he wanted to go, he said, “Of course. She’s my mom too.” He tells me a hundred times a day I’m doing the right thing by waiting, lets me scream when I get off a frustrating phone call, and distracts me with hugs, bad TV, wine and his wonderfully macabre sense of humor.

Another angel has been John’s mom. She is an ICU nurse and has given me wonderful advice and support, and always makes sure to tell John that she loves me and is praying for my mom.

This is John and his mom. Aren’t they sweet?

 

dottie

 

 

 

And speaking of nurses, the ones caring for my mom have been amazing. They are patient with me, giving me all the answers I need and more, and I can tell by their tone and manner they are giving my mom very loving care.

I can’t stand not knowing, but right now I have to stand it. I just wanted to put out to the universe how grateful I am for all these souls, and to say in writing, I know my mom is going to be ok. Having both those thoughts at the same time ( I don’t know, but I know), is what being a grown-up is about, I suppose. Thank you, dear readers, for letting me get all this out of my head and out into the ether.

 

cant

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8 comments on “The Unbearable Uncertainty

  1. Hanna
    February 19, 2013

    Ohhh Jess……this makes my heart so sad. I have said a couple prayers for your mama but I didn’t realize the extent of the injury.
    You bet she will be in my nightly prayer!
    Also, if you want to shoot me a message, you know I am a critical care nurse too, I’ve worked Manu departments including ICU.
    I am so sorry my sweet friend! I have had so many Of my close, nuclear family members on the same situation. In fact it’s part of the reason I became a critical care nurse. So please don’t hesitate to call or email me if you want some support! I am thinking of you and praying for your mom. I know how special she is to you. ICU nurses are typically very, very knowledgable and caring. They have to be. I’m sure she is getting exellebt care!
    I love you Jess. Please call on me I’d you need me friend!
    Wishing you a peaceful evening!

  2. Carrie
    February 19, 2013

    Peace to you…

  3. nadya
    February 19, 2013

    Jessica! I’m sending out lots of love and good wishes for you and your mom. You are an amazing person and a wonderful daughter–I can tell. I went through something similar with my grandmother (it involved figuring out when to be there for my mom) and I can only imagine how hard this is. You’re doing the right thing–please know that. I’m thinking of you.

  4. jorajJora
    February 24, 2013

    Jessica, I am so sorry you are going through this. You will know when the time is right to leave to be with her. Sending lots of love and strength your (and your mom’s) way. xxxxx

  5. jessica clare
    February 25, 2013

    Thanks for all the love, ladies. I’m very happy to report she is doing better and I get to go see her this week!! XO

    • I am so happy to hear that she is doing better!! I completely agree. The ‘not knowing’ part is absolutely the hardest part. I’ve been reminded of this again… And again. On the bright(er) side, these moments definitely have a way of putting everything right into perspective, don’t they? xoxo

      • jessica clare
        March 8, 2013

        Yes, they really do! Perspective is always the thing we need most? yes? :) Thanks for your thoughtful words, Torrie! XX

  6. molly ruth
    March 8, 2013

    Just read your post now and am so sorry to hear about your sweet mama. So happy to hear she is doing better. Sending good thoughts to you and your family:)

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This entry was posted on February 19, 2013 by .

Jessica Clare

Preschool teacher, writer, trouble maker.

LIVES: Seattle. By way of Santa Fe, San Francisco, and NYC.
LOVES: John
DAYDREAMS:Strong coffee. Gourmet magazine. Stinky cheese. Date night with new strappy heels. Green chile. Going back to India. Unabashed displays of love. Vegetable gardens. Clean sheets. Unruly stacks of books. Breaking Bad marathons. Writing like Joan Didion ,Gabriel Garcia Marquez, and Joseph Stroud. Cookbooks. French 75s. Sequins with jeans. Leaving love notes.
BELIEVES: “A human being is part of the whole, called by us ‘Universe,’ a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest – a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole nature in its beauty. Nobody is able to achieve this completely, but the striving for such achievement is in itself a part of the liberation, and a foundation for inner security.” Albert Einstein “The important thing is not to think much but to love much and so do that which best stirs you to love.” St. Teresa of Avila “People say that what we’re all seeking is a meaning for life. I don’t think that’s what we’re really seeking. I think that what we’re seeking is an experience of being alive, so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane will have resonances without own innermost being and reality, so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive.” Joseph Campbell

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