civetta

“We were together. I forget the rest.”

An Anniversary

This is a few days late, but I’d be extremely remiss if I did not write just a few words celebrating the most important thing in my life… my relationship with J. Four years ago, I got on a plane and came up to Washington to see if we were as in love as we thought we were, having fallen in love over the phone (and text and Skype and letters and and…)… and having not actually seen in each other in 10 years, and having not ever been romantically involved.  I never went back home. Even the thought of me going home to get my belongings filled us with such angst that my sweet mother sent them to me. And now, today, that seems like yesterday and decades ago, all at once.

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I could tell you how much it seems like a moodily romantic fever dream (true). How I NEVER thought we would ever happen, and since I was 17, he has been the benchmark against which all crushes and relationships were measured (true) And how I still look at him and feel like a swoon-y 17 year-old (true). And of course, there are moments or days when things are less than perfect, when you yell when you swore you never would, take things for granted that you promised God you never would, if only you could have this. But. But..

What I really thought I would never have, especially not with my tall, blue-eyed, kind, goofy, brilliant, crush who loved me from the day he saw me (I later found out) and has fought for me and protected me for years, even though I didn’t know it then…what I really thought I’d never have is even on those worst days I truly, truly, have never wanted to leave, or have thought there’s something better over the horizon. He is still my gorgeous blue-eyed, huge-hearted, never gives up on me, crush. Except now he’s my partner, and that blows my mind… in the best possible way :)

Friends, thank you for letting me gush. J, thank you for being you, and making all my dreams come true. I’m yours forever… at least. And as my spirit animal Leslie Knope says, I love you and I like you.

“If I know what love is, it’s because of you.”

 – Herman Hesse

nye

bw

dress

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One comment on “An Anniversary

  1. papercatsblog
    January 21, 2016

    Awww this is so sweet. I know all about getting on a plane and never flying back! :)

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This entry was posted on March 3, 2015 by .

Jessica Clare

Preschool teacher, writer, trouble maker.

LIVES: Seattle. By way of Santa Fe, San Francisco, and NYC.
LOVES: John
DAYDREAMS:Strong coffee. Gourmet magazine. Stinky cheese. Date night with new strappy heels. Green chile. Going back to India. Unabashed displays of love. Vegetable gardens. Clean sheets. Unruly stacks of books. Breaking Bad marathons. Writing like Joan Didion ,Gabriel Garcia Marquez, and Joseph Stroud. Cookbooks. French 75s. Sequins with jeans. Leaving love notes.
BELIEVES: “A human being is part of the whole, called by us ‘Universe,’ a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest – a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole nature in its beauty. Nobody is able to achieve this completely, but the striving for such achievement is in itself a part of the liberation, and a foundation for inner security.” Albert Einstein “The important thing is not to think much but to love much and so do that which best stirs you to love.” St. Teresa of Avila “People say that what we’re all seeking is a meaning for life. I don’t think that’s what we’re really seeking. I think that what we’re seeking is an experience of being alive, so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane will have resonances without own innermost being and reality, so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive.” Joseph Campbell

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